I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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