Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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