Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
