apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
