She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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