I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
