dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We smell like vodka and hangover
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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