Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
