it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
