Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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