You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
