I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
