last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
