Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
