ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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