Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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