i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
