blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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