if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
