apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
