respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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