There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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