So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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