the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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