I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
