i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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