So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
