so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
