Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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