my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
