I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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