It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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