so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
