i already hear my dad disowning me
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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