I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
