I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
