Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
