guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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