I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
