3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
