you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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