It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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