He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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