Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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