woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
