you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
