So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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