the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
