you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
