I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i out mim tonsoeep
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
